I want to acknowledge a dynamic that often occurs between partners. One partner initiates an invitation and a request for closeness. They feel desire for companionship, desire for the presence of another. The other partner, feeling this desire from another, is flattered, but also resistant to being fenced in. In what ways do I limit myself by allowing this pursuit, this capture? Am I foregoing my own personal development? Am I foregoing other relationships which may be to my highest benefit? My fantasies, hopes and dreams for a partner of certain qualities turn into fears, and now that I have a real partner in my arms, certain outcomes seem sure and other outcomes seem to have dimmed. As I consider these dimmed possibilities, my fantasies turn into fears that I could be trapped and unable to realize these parts of myself.
Ultimately for both partners these dynamics prevent enjoyment of the moment, and the opportunity that is actually occuring. They separate two lovers from their friendship. Instead of trusting my partner, now I feel that there is some conflict in our goals, and I have to hide away a part of myself, I have to create a strategy outside of my partner’s knowing, and protect it from them. Over time, this secret world begins to grow, and the distance between my partner and I will grow as a consequence. Because the closeness we feel is really derived from the safety that we feel in sharing fully with each other. To know that we can reveal our world, our intent, and our emotion without reservation. To know that we are heard, without judgement, by an ally who truly wants our growth and health and happiness as much as we do. In essence, it is unconditional love that we yearn for. And what this protective, independent tendency truly shows is how fiercly we protect our own development.
On the other side of things, when I am the pursuer, it is because there is something outside of myself that I perceive I lack. It is here, it is so close, but I fear it may escape me. It is held within the heart, the mind, the body of another human being, and I know so deeply, so clearly, that whatever I may wish, they are their own person. And they may not choose to go along with my desire. And so my desire fears that it will be unrealized. Or if it is here today, it may be gone tomorrow. And the pain of that loss will be great. As I surrender more deeply, as I allow myself to love more fully, the potential for hurt is even greater. Is there something outside of myself that I need? Is there some way that I lack completion within myself? With love, I invite you to ask these questions of yourself and to explore the spaces you find within. This is a subject for deep meditative inquiry, and many riches of our souls lie buried here.
I have been on both sides of these dynamics. Sometimes I am the pursuer, sometimes I am the pursued. If you’ve been in the same relationship status for a long time, you may assign the role you play to yourself, as a part of your identity. But you may find in another part of your life as I have, that the roles switch, or you find yourself playing a different game entirely. So consider, rather than judging your partner, “She is always chasing me,” or “He is always running from me,” that this is a dynamic that you both are choosing, that you both have the seed and the possibility within you to play your roles. When you each play your roles you enable yourselves to continue, you feed and amplify the very dynamic within your partner that you resist and fear.
I invite us to recognize that to “figure it all out” and be the perfect partners for each other is not the point. That the dynamic nature of relationships will always put us in places of challenge and of growth. We should not resist uneasiness but embrace and explore it as a teacher and a source of continued novelty, deeper vulnerability, and exploration of self. We explore ourselves, and we simultaneously are witnessing our partner’s journey as they do the same. When this well of personal growth and realization is tapped into within a relationship, when it is safe to explore and become the greater version of yourself that you are calling in, then you no longer have to run from your partner in order to receive the freedom and expansion that your soul desires.
The meditation that I leave you with is this. You may say these words, and then sit in silence and listen to what comes up in that space.
“I see myself in wholeness, in oneness, and in unity with the universe that gave me life, and which continues to support my existence through the food and water that I consume, and through the air that I breathe. I see the realization of my soul as a possibility which I am not limited from attaining. I know that my soul is eternal, and that I have chosen this human experience. I express my gratitude for this life, and the opportunity to experience this journey. I know that I am safe, that I am loved. In this space, I allow any thoughts, emotions, and sensations of the body to arise. I will now witness my experiences without following or giving energy to them. Within each experience that arises, I will release my tension, my resistance, and my judgement. I allow myself to see this experience as my friend, my teacher, and my ally. I express my gratitude for the ways in which this experience has served me, to protect me, and to create the safety and comfort which I needed. I will now witness the completion of this experience, and I welcome this part of me home with love and with tenderness. I see myself in wholeness, in oneness, and in unity, and I express gratitude to myself for allowing this process. I now allow my experience to unfold, without any attempts to control the process which now takes place.”
This process may take some time. Certain aspects of misalignment may dissolve in a single session. Others may take a lifetime. Holding this space, and returning to it often, will allow these misalignments to correct at a natural pace. The correction of internal alignments will lead to adjustments in life, within your external world. Do not resist the changes that come - recognize them as your readiness for new ways of being within the world. Recognize your readiness for experiencing yourself in new ways, beyond the identity and the limitations that were previously established.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for your trust and your friendship on this journey.